Weight

Gained two goddamn pounds. And I need to get laid BADLY.

Binge.

Fuck.

Sometimes I just don't feel whole, you know? I feel completely empty. I've been doing great, the pounds have just been melting away, and now I go and fuck it all up.

I know everyone hates throwing up, but I HATE throwing up. I can't do it. It's the most horrible things. I reserve it for a couple times a year, like Thanksgiving and such...I don't want to throw up right now. I just wish I hadn't binged.

It's hard to tell now, but in high school, I was Miss Eating Disorder. I was too thin for my body type, but I liked it that way. Go laxatives and green tea!

I'm not trying to have an eating disorder now, shit, I have an eating disorder, only it's the opposite. Before, having nothing fulfilled me. Now, nothing fulfills me.

But, the good thing about falling off the goddamn horse is the opportunity to get right the hell back on. Tomorrow, workout for a half hour extra.

Shit happens.

On another note, I've been fucking my ex. I can't help it. I'm seven kinds of fucked up, innit?

Energizer bunny

I have 2 lbs to lose this week, then I reach my first goal. Feels nice. I've lost about 10 lbs so far.
I'm working out like crazy, though...
It's harder than I thought.
I'm losing inches though, that's good....
Have to take pictures.

Chugging on

I lost another three pounds. I'm going quite strong.
I just had some bullion soup with mushrooms and onions...I'm really full. Sigh.
I think...it's just hard for me. I've always loved the way I look and made no excuses, even when I got sick and gained weight, I still just appreciated myself and didn't make it a huge deal.
But then he left me, and all his exes were twigs, and we were perfect for each other, and he stopped me from being a player, and he stopped me from not being able to commit, and I gave him all of me, and he threw me away. So part of me just knows it's 'cause my body wasn't what he was used to. And it isn't for him, I swear it's not...it's so that I never feel that again.
I've always been like a guy in that sense. Men can sleep around and it's not a big deal for them. I've always been that way. Not wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend, just wanting to have fun, but honest fun...not cheating or anything, just single and fucking.
Then he came along and told me all the stories of what we could be, and I'd heard them all before but I believed him. Then I found out he was cheating in the beginning. Then he cheated again with the same girl. Then he recited a list to me about why I'd never be good enough. And I starved and starved.
But now it's about me, and that's why it's healthier. Wii Fit and walking and eating healthy but very little...that's why.
But still, it won't stop burning. I wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.

Week 1 done!

It's been a week, I lost 6 pounds. Sure, I cheated a little, but still, I'm doing better than I expected.
I'm staying at my best friends' house while we start this out, but I do miss home. I'm helping him get his home together, but I need to get back to mine and make it as beautiful as I once dreamed.
This is hard, staying on track. Doing something nice for myself and all, it's quite hard.
But I can do it...I'm going to start video blogging on here soon, too. :)
He got a bunch of new games for the Wii. And he made me get new walking shoes. So, we're actually doing this as a team.
But, it's hard not to eat big bowls of pasta and pass out from food comas every day.
Also, boozing much less. That sucks, too.
But I'm ready to start dressing up a bit more like I used to, looking and feeling pretty like I used to, all of that. I'm ready for it.
I've been talking to some guy I had a casual thing with in college. We were highschool buddies and went to the same Uni. In highschool we had this fling for each other, and used to chat dirty online, but we finally gave into the teasing and hooked up one night. It was very casual, never any romantic feelings. Infact, he hooked up with my roommate soon after. It was all quite funny. But we're back in touch now, and I might want to start another unemotional fling with him. He is going through a breakup, too, and we both could use the sex and company.
We'll see, I guess.

Day 1, I think

It's not as terrible as I thought. I worked out, I only cheated a couple of times. I need to drink more water and work out a bit more, but I'm proud that I started.
It's about so much more than willpower. I had a fight with my friend today and just wanted to eat and eat. But, I didn't, and that's what counts.
I'm looking forward to more. I think I can do this. I need some sort of mantra to make me feel beautiful.
I got in a big fight with the best friend. He read over an sms with an ex of mine where they were calling me names and he said I shouldn't interact with that ex. I feel like I'm nothing, and I get off on being treated as such. I feel like I am trash, scum below the barrel.
But he cried, so I felt bad. Maybe I'm worth a tad more than I realize.
Goodnight.

EpicFAIL

I'm realizing that it's hard to stay in focus and work on myself when I don't have a support team. I don't have anyone to recognize me for what I've done right. I don't have that in any aspect of my life, now this. Now weight loss. I'm all alone and it's terrifying. All I have is more people reinforcing the fact that I'm a bit worthless.
Oh well, I have to do it, even if I'm all alone.